Gaze into the Looking Glass
by Nothingbutrainbowsandsunshine
Summary: His life is a paradox of what should have been instead of what it has become. For once, Shuichi finally realize that there's more to life than just living the lie. He leaves, but not without teaching Yuki a lesson. First person.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own any Gravitation characters, but I do own my own. So too bad cause you can't sue me! **

**Author's Note: Konnichi-wa! Once again, it time to change the everyday format of every Gravitation story and make it fun and interesting. I'm an original writer, I like to mix my work with others. So let's see how unique I am when I tackle first person!!! Anywho, this would be my second story. My first one (which isn't complete yet, but almost) is called 'Forever Gone, Forever You'. So check it out! Anywho...enjoy! Let me know what you think! Ja ne!**

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**Gaze into the Looking Glass**

**Written by: Kinya Kai**

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**Chapter One**

_**Lies beyond the Black Door**_

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**Shuichi**

I don't know how long I've been standing here. It would seem like for days, how time slowly move along the grandfather clock in the hall. As the pendulum swings back and forth, a motion that seems endless. But I knew he wouldn't know that I could hear everything beyond the black door. Feeling my stomach churn with every moan he let escape his lips, I knew he was cheating on me. Did I acknowledge it? Not really, the fear of knowing that if I said or did anything would only end up in an argument. So I kept quiet, which would only hurt more. Hiro told me this would happen, but I was too stubborn to listen to my own best friend. What now, my mind asked me, voice almost hollow. I don't know, I told myself but I knew that I had to do something. This couldn't go on any longer though, but I just had to wait until the right moment.

When would that be? When he continues to cheat further and I just remain silent through it all. I know it would eventurally happen, so I'll pretend to be happy and smile as if I knew nothing. Act all nonchalant with the subject, subside the actually pain I'm feeling. This was me, the nicest person that was put upon this planet. Only difference, in return I get treated like crap and I still keep that smile on my face. Taking a deep breath, reassuring myself that this time I need to take action, I felt my hip vibrate. My eyes removed themselves from the door, down into my jean jacket pocket to watch the musical light dance across the screen. It let me know that I just received a text, probably from Hiro who is worried about me or my sister who won't stop checking up on me. Am I truly that easy to read, the trouble look plastered on my face? I don't know, but I tried to conceal it as much as I could. My hand made its way inside, pulling out the slick black cell I purchase not too long ago. Eyes looking down at the LCD screen, I notice it wasn't either of them, but it was Mika. Slightly shock (we don't get along at all, but I still respect her) I wonder how she'd my number. Pushing the button to open the message, it wasn't too long but it held a lot of information.

_'I know what's going on . . . what are you planning to do?' _

Simple like that, a question I kept asking myself many of times throughout this hellish relationship. Glancing at the door, more intense moans echo, I knew they wouldn't be done anytime soon. How could I answer someone who seems to hate me one minute, and then threaten to end my life the next. But she's right, what am I going to do? Easy, I'm going to do the same thing he always do to me . . . act like nothing happen and leave. My fingers move quickly along the buttons, showing how much texting I do on my free time. My message was also simple, but true.

_'I'm going to do the same thing your brother does . . . act like nothing happened and leave him. What about you because beyond those doors is someone you also love?' _

Sending it, I waited for her response, holding the phone in my hand. I needed to sit down, I felt weak. I guess this is what I get for not eating anything, food doesn't seem it want to settle in my stomach. Sliding down the wall, I sat on my knees. I do that a lot, I don't care much about pain. Feeling the familiar jolt and the multicolor glare, I look back down and see her message. My eyes move along, feeling a slight tug at the end of my lips. She was a smart one, I knew we had something slightly in common.

_'Unlike you, I own half of his company and once the divorce is drawn, he could continue fucking my brother all he wants.' _

Chuckling, I knew things between her and him wasn't all that well. Seriously, they were having more problems than anything. At least they act all lovey-dovey at parties throw by famous people. Holding hands, smiling into cameras, sharing meaningless kisses. She was a good actress, I wonder if she ever thought about taking that up instead of being some modeling agent. But I'm not going to tell her anything, it's her life and she wouldn't want someone like me telling her how to change it. Replying on last time, I stare up at the grandfather clock seeing it was half past twelve. Not completely tired, I had things to do and I needed my rest. Turning off my phone, no need for interference as I stood up again.

Stretching my limbs, I just look at the door in disgust. If he truly was that desperate, why with someone like him? I would never understand, but am I meant to. My footsteps lead me away from the hall of ruin as I walk out into the living room. Staring into the dark abyss, I was happy to see this place. The couch was my best friend for months again and I knew it would be the last time I was to see it. Coming around the coffee table, I sat down. Eyes closed, I felt the world of unconsciousness come. At least in the morning, I don't have to look at him. Cause I refuse to bring out the lies I've held in order to hide the truth. It's just like gazing into a looking glass . . . you never know what you are going to see on the other side.

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"Shuichi . . . what are you doing sleeping on the couch again?"

His voice seems like a dream, I could hear it in a distant as I let a sad moan escape my lips. I could feel my slender brows furrow, not believing that I let sleep take over. I refuse to open my eyes, I could sense his presence on next to me. His hand touches my hair, running through the now raven strains. It's been so long since I had that cotton candy pink within my hair. I forgot when I went black, time seems to escape my memories also. I could smell how fresh he was, his favorite amber sand cologne and tobacco graced my nose. Finally, fanning his hand away, I didn't want him to touch me, just knowing that his hands touch another was enough.

"Go away . . .don't bother me." Was my only reply, turning my back to him as his hand left my hair. I knew I shouldn't do this, but he need to know how it feels to get the cold shoulder.

He groan, also curse under his breath. I knew he wouldn't admit what happened, but he would try to figure something out. "What's wrong, why are you avoiding me?" his voice was soft, as if he wanted to feel some type of sympathy towards my action. I doubt it . . . I'm not worth his sympathy.

My eyes open, staring at the throw pillow on the couch. Jaw tightens with each thought that seem to run in my head. Answering him, I wasn't going to be all giddy and pout. I'm not the same anymore, why should I act any different with him. "Why do you think something is wrong? You must have done something to be all skeptical with my sudden actions." Just listening to myself, I knew it linger with poison, hissing into the tense air we both create.

"What the. . .alright, what going on? You never spoke to me like this before. It doesn't seem like you, why are you acting all cold?"

Oh really, I thought sarcastically. On cue, my body just rose as I finally looked at him. Just seeing those amber eyes I came to adore look at me back, created a whirlpool of unwanted emotions within. How could I be so foolish to fall for someone like him. That's right, I was younger, immature and believe in the word 'love in first sight'. Hiro was right, I shouldn't have been careful and not let my heart guide me. Now, three years and I've been in hell without anyone knowing. Not even him, the one I proclaim my love for. Throwing my legs off the couch, I realize I had a blanket on me. Did he come and throw it over me before his 'lover' snuck out? Not even going to ask him, I just face him. The moment of truth . . . I waited too long.

"You don't seem to think that I know what's been going on these past months. You suddenly coming home late, not answer your phone when I call. Ignoring me when you walk through the door. And you say I'm being cold, don't you find that pretty ironic?"

"I can explain . . . it's just-"

"Don't say anything, Yuki. What ever you are going to say will only be a lie. Why should I believe you, I know the truth and you can't keep trying to hide it for long."

He went silent, I could tell how his body tensed when I spoke about it. So he thought he could get away with it, he is an idiot. His fingers ran through his blonde hair, slicking it back. He refuses to take out a cigarette and smoke away the truth. He can't hide anything from me, because one way or another I'm going to find out. I crossed my legs casually, waiting for him to answer my simple question. Becoming rather irritated myself, I reached into my other pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and my light. I took it out, placed it between my lips, and lit it as I inhaled deeply. The taste of nicotine caressed my throat, god these things can cure anything. Noticing him turn back around and look at me, rather shockingly. I knew he question. It just proved that for three years, he hasn't noticed anything about me. Or maybe just looking into my eyes would drove him through enough guilt.

"When did you start smoking?" he ask, his brow rose in questioning.

Pulling the cigarette from between my lips, I held it within my fingers, casting my gaze away. "Two years ago, it wasn't a mystery. You haven't been home so long to notice my bad habits, like smoking and content drinking." I was blunt, no need to make it all dramatic.

He let out a sigh, I couldn't tell if it was a sad one or disgusted. Either way, it doesn't have anything to do with what's going on. My habits are habits and they are hard to break. "I guess I do deserve the third degree, huh?"

"Oh you deserve more than that, but don't worry I'm not going to do anything I might regret. So, who should start? I think it's best for you to tell me your story because if I told it, let's just say mines would make an interesting book."

"A story, what is it you know? I have nothing to hide, why should I?"

Moving the cigarette on the other side, my lips just falter into a frown. Stubborn as he seems, who he is trying to fool. I'm not stupid, and I don't' know why he think I am. Seeing that I have to start, I want him to hear my lovely version. "Since you are too a shame to admit such treachery, I'll start. So when were you going to tell me your affair with Seguchi-san? It seems last night you two had a party, fucking each other pretty senseless."

That caught his attention as he turns quickly to me, eyes wide open. So he thought I wasn't here or I didn't know. Man, the element of surprise never fails. What pathetic lie is he going to conjure up this time. "So . . . you did know?"

"Of course, I mean it's pretty suspicious don't you think? I mean, he's practically over here every single day and don't seem to leave until the next day. I've been listening, to every single fuck session you two have. Seriously, why would you think I wouldn't have known . . . I mean, I'm not that stupid, Yuki."

"Are you going to tell, Mika?"

"What is there to tell, she figure it out too. She's pretty pissed, seriously Seguchi is going to get it when he goes home. I mean, you slept with the woman's husband, she has the right to know, even if I didn't tell her."

"So what now Shuichi, are you going to leave me?"

Just looking at him, he knew the answer, but why should I even tell him. Standing up, I knew this was goodbye, but at least one of us don't have to hurt anymore. "What's the point of me staying? You don't need me, you have Seguchi. Plus, I'll be in the way . . . our relationship was pointless anyway."

"Is that how you truly feel? Our relationship doesn't mean anything to you?"

"Now . . . shouldn't you be asking yourself that question instead of me?"

**TBC**

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**Author's Note: Good chapter, perfect introduction to start off the rest of the story huh? It's kind of a prologue, but hey, makes a great first chapter. So let me know what you think? Good, bad, hate it, whatever floats your boat. Review. **

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	2. Chapter 2

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**Gaze into the Looking Glass**

**By: Kinya Kai**

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**Disclaimer: **

**Alas, I do not own any Gravitation characters, however I shall use them to do my bidden. Thus to further warn those who notice my story...this is in fact a homosexual story. So if you don't find the idea of two guys being in love wonderful, then stray away from my story. **

**No need for religious conflict because truly I do not care what you think...I support what seem perfectly natural...love...**

**So...HA!**

**A/N:**

**Man...that's so sad...Shuich caught Yuki in the act! Ha! Serves him right...however the tale doesn't end there. Let's see the interesting side of Shuichi a little more. Alright, let's continue shall we...**

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**Chapter Two:**

**A Beautiful Lie Spoken**

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**Shuichi**

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What is the purpose for the word regret? Why do so many people regret things they do, when they know that it was meant to be done intentional? Once they accomplish their given task, they want to sit all depressed in some stupid park, hoping everyone stares went right through them. To only become invisible to the world, cover up the shame, and knowing that moving on is just a lie waiting to be spoken...

_**A beautiful lie spoken...**_

_**A picturesque soul destroyed...**_

Yet, I can't keep from wondering if that once beautiful soul was already destroyed before it was planned? Could it happen without realizing as one portray falsehood of happiness? I don't know, but the reasurraning voices within my head sound rather mellifluous right now. Thus, this is where my story continue, wishing slowly it could just end. It's been five or six hours since I've been within the park. Above me the bright sun shined its evil hot rays on my flesh, even if I have a jacket on. My eyes concealed behind dark sheds were probably red and puffy from crying. I can't cry anymore, my head is empty. Black hair all over the place, forgetting to brush it before I decided to walk out. Yet, the people who passed me only look then turned away. On their faces held confusion and somewhat sympathetic. It's like, 'oh look at that poor boy...he must be homeless'. I wasn't homeless...I just didn't have a home that I felt like going to right now. My mind wasn't in its right state to be thinking or worrying where my next place should be. In my hand, my cell vibrated continuously, causing me to look down under my shades. My colorless screen showed the one name I didn't wish to see, but did I have a choice really? He was worried about me...I just walked out, knowing will enough that I wouldn't find a place that quickly. This call would have been the eighth or ninth, I lost count from not caring anymore. Inhaling deeply, I might as well answer it or I just go mad and throw the phone or something. Pushing talk, I brought it midway to my ear. I didn't want it touching me, knowing he would be speaking to me.

"What do you want? Make it quick, I have things I need to do." I wasn't going to be all nice with my greeting.

I could hear him breathing heavily, I knew he was crying also. Should I feel sorry for him? My body numbed instantly at the thought. I didn't want to feel nothing anymore...why give in? "Shuichi, please can't we talk? I'm sorry alright, I knew I shouldn't have done it but—"

I cut him off purposely, getting to the point of his excuse. I'm tired of excuses, why couldn't he just be straightforward for once. He never wanted me, my body sicken him and he prefer someone older and dominant. "But you didn't want me to know. You just wanted to see how long will this scandel last until I found out. Just tell me this Yuki, do you actually love me?"

It was the moment of truth and there was a long pause after I spoke those words. Chuckling, I shook my head, founding the will to cry after along time. I knew it...and here I thought that maybe I would be foolish enough to give him another chance and kill off Seguchi. He talked after two minutes of problematical thinking. "Shuichi, why would you ask me that question? You know the answer—"

I bit back my anger, I wanted to just yell at him but I was outside and didn't want to draw attention. Even if I am invisible to those sympathetic people, they would notice my visiblity show and my vulnerablity rise. "Then what the hell took you so fucking long to answer me?" I hissed, now the phone touching my ear and my lips brushed against it.

Another pause, god how I wanted to reach through the fucking phone and choke him. So being so damn hesitant!! It's not hard to lie, you done it throughout our relationship. So I decided to hiss at him again, feeling the unwanted tears flow once more. "You know what, fuck you! Fuck you for using me! Don't call me anymore Yuki, I'm tired of your bullshit and your lies! You deserve this pain, you hear me and you'll get it worst from Mika!"

Then I hung up the phone, throwing it on the ground and in rage stood and crushed it underneath my foot. People stopped to watch my battle with my cell phone, pieces flew all about, crunched up and wires lose. Even if I went to get it fixed, it would be too complicated to figure out what happened. I'm so sick and tired, I'm tired that it making me want to vomit. Growling loudly, I shoved my hands into my jacket pocket and walked. I needed to clear my mind, let these annoying thoughts disappear into the void I'm slowly creating. No one would be able to understand what I'm going through, not Hiro, not Ryuichi, no one! And I don't need someone sympathizing and feeling sorry for me because it's not helping. I'm broken, shards of misery falling one by one as I take each step. Then those vague pieces would disappear, as if I didn't exist. I wish I didn't now...because even existance hates me more than anything.

I don't know how long I've been wondering away from reality, but I found myself to be standing on the bridge that looked out into a small lake. There you could feel the wind blow along forgotten waters that crystalized within the sun. To me, the lake was a giant mirror because when you look within its beautiful blue waters, you see your reflection. Beyond the looking glass of liquid is another just like you, only that person shows the you you once were, not the you you are now. I just stopped here, leaning against the black metal rail and gazed into the tranquil waters. As my reflection look back up at me with the same dark shades concealing hurting violet eyes, I notice the passing reflections next to me. It was like time kept moving faster around me, one after another walk across the bridge, stop to take in the beautiful scene and then continue on towards their destination. I wish I could do that, journey to a place where my life could be different for once.

Then there were those who didn't continue to travel the road that was marked for them, they simply did what I'm doing, lean on the metal rail and look at their pathetic reflections. There faces just like mines, full of sadness and what ifs. Tired of knowing the outcome of life and all together wish they could change it, just like I. Even in the worst situations, I know there is someone, somewhere who shares the same pain as I...

**_Betrayal..._**

**_Loneliness..._**

**_Ache..._**

Why must one feel like this? Because of the guilty conscious that continue to pop up whenever it pleases to remind you every second of the regret slowly rising. It's impossible to embrace something that you'll yearn for later. Complete contentment...that's what most of us who staring beyond this looking glass wishes for. Behind our fake mask is someone who hopes for a better future, only to suffer endlessly in the present and hurt over again from the past. I let out a sigh that was neither of sadness nor pain, it could have been more of hate. I hated myself because I let emotions overwhelm me. Do I easily get upset that I don't realize it anymore. There use to be a time when I would cry for every little thing, but now I only cry when I need to and repress what I don't need. Placing my head against my folded arms, I couldn't look into the depths of my life anymore. I just made my head hurt and depression increase. I decided to listen to the sounds of nature around me as the wind caress my unruly hair. It was like, beyond this point I'm hearing what my mind wants me to hear...silence. To give me time to think, fight an emotional turmoil to make it only futile.

_**'You can't stay like this forever...you have to face your fears.'**_

Fears? What fears do I have that I must face so boldly? For three years, whatever I use to be afraid of only became my greatest strength. "I cannot confront something that doesn't exist..." I mumbled lowly to myself, realizing that I'm talking out loud and to an implied thought nothing less.

_**'Don't fight it, Shuichi because in the end you will lose everything. You still love him...don't you?'**_

I felt my throat let out a dry chortle. Why should I love someone who doesn't love me? He took two minutes just to answer, yet expect me to know. How the hell should I know, I wasn't the one who cheated. "There's no such thing as love when it comes to an aching heart."

This conflict between myself and my conscious was getting creepy because I swear that it had a mind of its own.** _'In denial, I see. Fine, you'll only regret what you are doing. Don't turn him away...he needs you.'_**

"Bullshit!"

_**'You need him, he's the only one who completes you...'**_

"Shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear anymore..."

_**'You cannot hide it any longer...just go back and apologize. Work something out!'**_

"No and stop trying to make me change my mind! It's over and it will always stay like that! Get out of my head now!" That time I screamed, causing people to stop short in fear once more thinking I'm a crazy man. Throwing my hands to my head, I needed to get away from this lake...make it stop peering into my soul.

Moving away once more, all I could hear was the content chattering from my conscious telling me to do the right thing. What is the right thing anymore? I thought I did do the right thing, leaving him so he could continue to fuck Tohma days on end. Disappear out of his life, so he could have that freedom he once had. He never looked at me the way he looked at Tohma. His eyes always went through me, making my being disappear more and more. He saw me, he notice my presence, but it was all just fading into another life. He never really loved me, he could only speak such blasphemous words to put a smile on my face. That's was my revelation, after so long that I continue to blind myself. He never loved me...it was all a hoax. The one he truly loved will always plague his heart and soul...

It wasn't Tohma...

It was Kitazawa...the man who was his first and last.

And how stupid could I be to let it continue on...

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I walked around Tokyo for two hours, going through the new found fact through my mind. As my heart continue to crumble within my chest, I realized that I walked all the way to Hiro's house. My feet just led the way, knowing that right now I needed a friend to talk to. I didn't want to bother him, he had enough on his hands as it was. He's married now, to Ayaka who made him the happiest man on earth and was soon about to become a father. But I needed to talk to him, to get these thoughts out of my head. I couldn't lock them up in the void, it would only come back up and bother me some more. So I approach his building with hesitant steps, coming to the doorbell. Ringing it, my palms began to sweat, why was I so nervous to meet my best friend? Was it that obvious, I'm troubled right now? The loud buzzer echoed in my ear, letting me enter. Going through the door, I came into the foyer, large and interesting. Everything was white and tan, a Victorian theme. Coming to the elevator, I went in as the metal doors closed behind me, sealing me away. Hiro and Ayaka lived on the last floor which was a lovely penhouse. Since Bad Luck started, he saved his money just to buy that for him and his future wife. I'm glad his dream came true, but as for mines...there are only figments. By time I realized that I was at the top an the metal doors opened, I was greeted with a pair of sad gray eyes belong to my best friend. He stood there, looking at me with so much concern. I looked back, through shades that concealed my true emotion. I didn't want him to know that I've been crying, even though there are tear streaks along the paleness of my skin. 

Yet, he knew and he enter the elevator as the doors closed behind him. Without a single word spoken between us, he took me into his arms, held me, and told me everything was going to be alright. I couldn't control my involuntary trembles because the next thing I knew I broke down because he understood. He didn't ridicule me or told me I was an idiot. He just held me, his grip tighten with each loud sob I let escape from my lips. Why does it hurt so much? Why does it hurt when your friend could see the grief-stricken look on your face, no matter how hard you try to hid it? Hiro understood and there for at last ten minutes was nothing but an agonizing mourn. He even cried as I felt the warm tears against my cheek. Why should he cry, he been there for me and I haven't even thanked him. Since he had gotten married, I abandon my abilities as a friend to let him enjoy his happiness. While he was happy with his beloved wife, I was wallowing in my misery, not wanting to worry him. Even so, he was worried about me, I knew it. Hiro always worried, till the point he was sick from crying. Ayaka would call me to tell me what was going on and with each call I felt my chest tighten with grief. I told her numbers of times to tell him everything was alright, nothing to worry about even if it was another beautiful lie spoke.

Finally, we broke our embrace, looking at each other before breaking into a tearful laugh. He wiped his tears away as I done the same, trying my hardest not to start again. "I'm sorry...I just didn't know what came over me." He said between chuckles as I smiled faintly. I knew what came over him...concern and fear about my feelings.

Nodding, I took off my shades, letting my violet eyes been seen for the first time this evening. I looked at the metal door that bounced our reflections around, noticing how distorted I was. "Don't apologize...I should be the one doing it. Ayaka told me you were worried about me. I'm sorry...I should have been the one there for you." I admitted weakly, slipping my shades into my pocket, feeling the emptiness where my cell phone was. Maybe breaking it was irrational, but I was doing it out of anger.

"Don't worry about me, I'm doing great," He replied as he paused and his body became unease. I knew something was wrong, even if he tried to hide it behind his mask also. "Shuichi...Yuki called us not to long ago, wondering if you were here. He sounds worried, his voice cracked alot as if he's been crying. What's going on, did you two have another fight or something?"

I pressed my lips together, averted my eyes away from his before I cried again. Shaking my head, it wasn't a fight...more of a goodbye. "No, we didn't fight. We...we broke up Hiro. I got tired, you know of all this deceit coming from him."

Hiro didn't know what was going on, I hid it as much as I could at work and during recording session. I couldn't afford him to hurt Yuki, regardless what stupid act he committed. When Hiro's anger take over, it's hard to take over. "Shu...what happened? He didn't—you know what I'm saying—Shuichi?"

Shaking my head again, I pushed the buttom to open the doors once again. I couldn't stand being in here, I could feel myself looking directly at me and the words in my head rumbling over. "I don't feel comfortable talking in here. Could we go inside, please?"

"Yeah...let's go inside. I know Ayaka probably going to wonder where I disappeared off so quickly."

The door opened and we exited heading down the empty hall. Since he had a penhouse, no one really lived up here, even though there were doors on each side. I guess Hiro's planning to use them for a studio or something, I don't know. We came to the last door at the end as Hiro opened it, to be greeted by sweet smell of cookies. He stepped in, calling Ayaka to tell her that he's back and brought me along as I followed behind. Closing the door, this would be the second time I've actually been here, the first was when he was modling the place. It was lively, colors bright throughout the area. In the great foyer with was a sky blue color covered with paintings Ayaka herself painted. Each abstract, but matched the decor perfectly. Beyond the foyer was three rooms, the Kitchen, Study, and then Living Room. The kitchen was big itself, everything stainless steel and full of color. It was Butter yellow with black counters and cabinets. While I walked passed that way, I peered into the kitchen to see Ayake looking up from the over, a floral apron over her pregnant belly. Her face beamed when she seen me, when did she cut her hair? Taking her time, she came to me and embraced me tightly in her arms (mines couldn't fit around her) as she held me out. I felt her eyes move along my body as she shook her head. It's freaky to know that the girl who was in love with Yuki and would kill you to just get him was nice without a right hook in the jaw.

"I'm sorry...I know, I'm a mess. Can't help it, soon I'm going to be a mother. How have you been, Shuichi?" her cheerful banter finally came to what she wanted to know as her eyes sparkled with anticipation.

Faintly smiling, I knew she knew what was going on, somehow she always know and wouldn't tell Hiro. "I'm fine, just thought I come and see how you two were doing."

She nodded, releasing me and return back to her baking. Her swollen belly hanging down as she checked on her cookies. "I'm glad...we've been worried since Yuki's been calling here for you. I told him that you weren't here, he sounded horrible."

"I see...thank you for telling him that I wasn't here. I don't feel like talking to him right now, could you lie for me since I'm here?"

She waved her hand idly, her lips curled into a wider smile. "Yeah...also you are welcome to stay here as long as you need. I think Hiro would be happy to know that he could keep an eye on you at all times."

Turning away, so she _did_ know the situation that went on. Clever girl, nothing really passes her. Thanking her, I went into the living room where Hiro sat on the couch, his feet propped up on the table as he flicked through the channels. He patted the vacant seat next to him as I obeyed, flopped down and sighed. I don't know why I enjoy couches so much. They just felt like home to me, comfortable and inclusive. Hiro didn't look at me, but I could tell he was from the side as he continue to flick, trying to find something interesting to watch. However he broke the tension that was building fast.

"Are you sure he hasn't—you know?" He asked the same question, just wanting to clarify that he hasn't...you know.

Sighing, I wish he did, it would have been better than suffering like this. I threw my head back, too tired to care for the unsettle channels, staring up at the maroon ceiling. "No Hiro, he didn't this time...it's been a while since he went back to that. It's something more, something I cannot seem to grasp or understand right now."

He nodded, all tension melted away and the conversation contiuned. "Alright...I didn't want to hop on my bike and ride down there with a bat to beat the shit out of him. I will never forgive him for what he did to you, it was uncalled for."

Closing my eyes, I didn't want to think of the past right now, too many memories were enough. "It's hard to explain. He's been cheating on me with someone else. Sadly, I knew who he was cheating on me with and for how long. At first, I didn't want say anything, hoping it was just a fling or something. But it's been going on for two years...two years and I let it continue without speaking a word. I know I've done wrong, I should have spoken up, but—" I couldn't finish it, my words started to confusion me.

Hiro was silent for a moment, letting my words sink in before trying to figure out what to do. "I see...so who is this person he cheated on you with?"

Damn...I was hoping he would just to the advice. 'You still love him, stay with him and give it another chance.' As much to my dismay, I didn't get that. "It's...Seguchi-san."

Right there as if he just heard that they were going to bomb Hiroshima once again, he turned to me with wide eyes. "You're fucking kidding me! He's with the bastard...how fucking sick man! Does Mika know?"

"Yeah she knows, she was aware about it for a while. She's planning to put him and NG in the dirt. Plus you knew that Seguchi been wanting Yuki since he was a child. That over protective bullshit was only for show."

Hiro face went grimace as he sighed. "Fuck...and you knew? Where was I during this intervention?"

"Home with your newly beloved wife and impregnated her to bear your child. Looks, you making it turn into a big deal, which it's not—"

"Shuichi, get your head out of your ass! It is a big deal! How could you be so nonchalant about it? He fucked your lover...took away what you love the most!"

Groaning, there was the problem right now. That four letter word that I'm starting to loath so much! Love...it's fucking pointless when one is given, not receiving. "He never love me, he saw me as a substitute for Kitazawa. Even Tohma, he doesn't love us, only feel the need to use us."

Finally my sympathetic friend return as he placed a caring hand on my shoulders. "I'm sorry Shu...I know that it must be tough on you. What are you going to do though? What is going to happen to the band, I hope you are not going to break us up because of this?"

I haven't thought far along that path, involving the band and all. I couldn't say anything, it was all too soon. "I don't know, I just have to see how the plan with the divorce goes. I doubt Mika would run NG. I don't want to lose Bad Luck, it's my heart and soul."

"But would you be able to continue to sing with those two factors?"

"..."

"Or is it that you hold on to the fear that if you happened to see Yuki, you would just break apart?"

"I cannot know for sure...but I do know this. He's out of my life for good...goodbye Yuki."

With such determine words spoken...it's all a lie as another chapter close and a new one begins.

While my soul promise lips let slip another beautiful lie...

And doubt congeal within my own eyes...

**TBC**

* * *

**A/N: Did Shuichi actually say goodbye to Yuki? Will Bad Luck still be with NG as Mika divorce her bastard husband Tohma? Can Yuki finally let go of the past and see Shuichi for him and not Kitazawa? How the hell should I know...I'm not that far ahead in my story, but could tell you this...naw...let's keep that a secret.**

**Review!!!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:**

**Hey guys...I know it's been along time since I've last update "Gaze Into The Looking Glass", but of course I've been busy with school and stuff. Now, without the process of free education in my way, I can continue with it. So let's see what happens between the Gravitation gang. Enjoy!**

**Gomen nasai**

* * *

**Chapter Three:**

**Crossing Lies With Truth**

* * *

**_Shuichi_**

* * *

Three days passed since I've arrived at Hiro's place and things been havoc since then. It's like Yuki knows I'm here, but the more Hiro or Ayaka lie for me, the harder it is to persuade him that I'm not here. So I decided to let him talk to me once more, to stop causing trouble for the couple. Besides, I must face my problems and sooner or later I would have to return back to the apartment for my stuff. Till then, I'll start searching for a new place. The next night, Yuki called the house again, but since Hiro and Ayaka went out (I was invited, but declined), he called again. At first, I thought not to answer it, to let the rings echo within the empty house, but I couldn't. After the fifth ring, I picked it up and held it away from my ear again. I didn't want to hear his voice within a close distance. 

"Make it quick, I don't really have anything to say to you right now." Once again, my harshness shoned.

I could hear him take a deep breath, his usual whimper gone and the real Yuki returned. Good, I didn't want to talk to him when he was vulnerable. "Shuichi, why haven't you called me?"

Why must he ask such a rhetorical question? Sure, for a novelist, he's stupid. At the time, I sat in the study, trying to work on a goodbye speech for NG when I schedule a press conference. I know, selfish as usual, but I couldn't stay with the company anymore. I might go solo like Ryuichi and live in America or something. Hiro is able to manage on his own, he has mad guitar skills and so many bands would immediately take him. Even Suguru (I stopped messing with him) could find a new band to play for. Pushing the chair on its two back legs, I balanced out the possible answers to give him. One, I could just tell him I hate him so much that I destroyed my cell phone in anger or I could just tell him that I don't have to call someone who doesn't give a rat's ass about me. I decided to take a different approach.

"Tell me Yuki, does it even matter if I called you or not? Why would I even want to talk to you, after what you done to me?" I asked him, my emotion stable as I listened for his reply.

When he did, he let out a sigh, like this discussion was something troublesome or whatever. "Shuichi...you know I love you and the thing between Seguchi and I was a fling-"

"A fling that went on for two fucking years? Seriously, how stupid do you think I am? I'm not the same Shuichi who would be naive and let everything pass. I'm tired Yuki. I'm sick and tired of hearing everyone bullshit. Just tell me why you done what you did and from there, I decided how to end it all." I didn't want to waste time with this conversation. I could feel my body tremble with anger and my vision cross with white.

Yuki took his time to answer my response, knowing if he said the wrong thing, this would end up badly. Technically. either way, I'm ending our relationship, but it would be nice to hear his reasons for doing what he did. I know Mika's doing the same thing to Seguchi, but her way might be harsher than asking for an explanation. Finally, what seemed like forever, he spoke once again.

"I don't know what to tell you, Shuichi. All I can say is that things went the wrong way and we ended up doing something that we both regret." That was it, his big excuse and for the first time in my twenty-three years of life, I couldn't take it anymore.

I literally snapped, I went crazy...even if it was on the phone.

"YOU FUCKING LIAR! HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU REGRET SOMETHING CAUSE APPARENTLY YOU AND SEGUCHI DIDN'T! DON'T TRY TO SUGARCOAT YOUR LIES WITH MORE LIES, YOU FUCKING PRICK. YOU KNOW WHAT, HOW ABOUT THIS...WE'LL END IT ONCE AND FOR ALL. YOU CAN GO FUCK ANYBODY YOU WANT AND I'LL MAKE SURE YOU SUFFER. DON'T CALL HERE ANYMORE OR I'M GOING TO SUE."

"Shuichi...please don't be this way, just listen to what I have to-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GOODBYE YUKI! DON'T COME NEAR ME OR MY FRIENDS." I didn't even give him another chance by time I slammed the phone back onto the receiver.

There, I could feel everything I held in for so long just pour out more. I was angry. I was hurt. All I wanted to do was go back to the apartment and just knock him around. My mentality was slowly diminishing with each thought of him. I needed to blow off some steam, but I didn't want to do it alone. With that, and a couple of deep, shallow breaths, I'd picked up the phone once more. I knew one person who's willing to spear some hours to come have a drink with me. Dialing the number and listening to each ring, the phone picked up on the third. A sweet, familar voice I longed to hear spoke and I could feel everything cool down again.

"Mika...I know we don't get along, but this is Shuichi. Meet me at Ichi's in two hours, my treat."

* * *

Two hours seemed to pass quickly and I arrived there on time (which is a shock) to the one place I always go. The line outside of Ichi's was long, but since I'm famous and an usual customer, the bouncer let me in. Ichi's is the one nightclub that everyone enjoyed going to. Besides the loud techno music, the drinks they create are great. Here, you won't find your typical Cosmos and Mojitoes. They create experimentation that every customer would die for. Tonight, I was going to get the strong experiment they'll create and hopefully get drunk off my ass and stumble home feeling invincible. When I entered the double black doors, I was greeted by the wonderful sounds of techno. Everyone who was already in the club danced the night away on the dance floor, their clothing glowing under the black fluorescent light. Those who didn't feel like dancing chilled at the tables that lined around the floor. Above my head, the lights flashed rapidly and I forgot that tonight is the block night and drinks are half off. 

Without wasting time, I headed towards the back where the bar took up most of the club. Along my way, I greeted the usual people who, just like me, thought spending their time in a club would help. My eyes wondered the area, seeing who's who and somewhat. My eyes finally landed on the one person of the evening and she sat in the far corner of the bar. If someone were to look at Mika, they wouldn't think she was even a mother of two wonderful kids. She wore a black, strapless dress with pumps. Her brown hair was pinned up in a nice style and her make-up was light. Already, she ordered one of Ichi's experiments and with her fingers, she played with the straw in the tumble. Her eyes focused on the dancer floor while she remained impassive. Deciding to make my presence known, I took a seat next to her in a vacant stool and waved for the bartender. Another smile crossed my lips as I ordered the usual, which is called Death. The woman gave me a sweet, sexy smile and I winked at her as she left to retrieve my drink. Mika must have heard our interaction cause she turned her attention back to the bar and her narrow eyes settled on me. She gave me a simple look before she acknowledge me.

"I thought you were going to be late as usual, Shindou-san." said Mika.

I grinned at her when I saw my drink appear in front of me. With a simple nod, I played with the straw before testing my drink. "I haven't been late for anything for the last two years now. Things change, people change, you know what I mean."

She chuckled half-heartedly as she sipped her drink. Copying her actions, I let the sweetness of death pour down my throat and touch my stomach in a painful drop. There's a reason why it's called Death, the contents that's within this drink would make you turn white with fear. "I know what you mean, I've been doing alout of changing myself. It's hard though, you know now that I'm going to be a single mom with two kids to raise. Of course, I'm going to make sure he'll pay child support."

"That's good, he better take care of his children. How are they anyway?"

She shrugged her shoulders as she finished off the remainer of her drink. "They are alright, yesterday I had to explain to them what was going on. I mean, you would think in this day and age, children would understand. Airyn cried her heart out all day and Kai just ran to his room."

"They're young, Mika-san. You can't expect them to understand the concepts of their parents breaking up. Don't worry, I know they'll come around. Besides, he'll see them...on weekends or whatever."

She sighed deeply, as the bartender brought her another drink. I knew this was more pressure on her than it was on me. She still can't except the fact that her husband secretly cheated on her and with her brother, no less. At least, she could divorce him and take half of NG and leave. I can't take anything from Yuki, but my clothes and crap that I left at his apartment. Till then, I just have to leave it there until I find a new place to live and far away from Yuki as possible. My mind still ran over the idea of breaking off Bad Luck to start on my solo album. I wonder if Mika would agree to my idea or call me an idiot. I know I'm being selfish, breaking up the band that's been going great for five years. I just can't continue making music, knowing that within the walls of NG, lies and scandals are brewing. My eyes took charge of their sight seeing and I end up staring into my half empty glass. Within the dark rippling tides, I could see my reflection perfectly.

I haven't been eating again nor getting any sleep since I've been at Hiro's. Hiro kept telling me to eat something, but I refuse to swallow anything that would make me vomit later on. It's gotten worst since then and now I can see the outline of my ribcage. Then with all these thoughts and questions left unanswered, I just couldn't grasp them long enough to settle upon something decent. So all I could do was lock myself within the study and write. I wrote anything, fromt poems, to short stories, to new songs I want to sing. Anything just to keep my mind for wavering back to the past and the pain. I knew I needed to decide what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go, and why. It's just the moment of truth is revealing itself and the lie I tried to conceal for so long is coming out. Soon, everyone whom been a loyal fan of mines will know the secret of Shuichi Shindou and Eiri Yuki. Though, when the public know what kind of man he is, they'll believe anything. The media will spice it up just a little, to make it juicy and tender.

"Shuichi...why must you space out every time someone is trying to talk to you?" I heard Mika call my name in somewhat of an irritated tone.

Returning back to the present I loathed so much, I threw her an apologetic look. "My bad, didn't mean to leave Earth. What were you saying?"

I knew she would roll her eyes, mumble something incoherent about my ignorance, and repeated what she said when I wasn't present. "I was saying, did my brother call you?"

This time, I rolled my eyes at the mentioning of Yuki's recent calling and nod. "Yeah, he called me at Hiro's house. My cell phone broke not too long ago, so all my calls are screened to his house. Why, he called you?"

"Of course he did and my ex-husband too. Both of them asking me to forgive them and ask me to persuade you to forgive them also. Don't worry, Tohma would be giving you a nice call also. Just you wait..."

"Not going to forgive them, what's the point? Yuki cheated on me with your husband-"

"Ex-husband, Shindou-san"

"Call me Shuichi and anyway with your _ex-husband_ and lied about it for two years. I knew something wasn't right with the frequent visits everyday from Seguchi-san and late night departures. Though, at that time, I placed the barrier of falsehood around me. Now, I hope the media hurry up and find out about them, so I could make my decision."

"I forgot about you and your band. What's going to happen, since I'm taken part of NG. I really don't want to run the company, I'll leave that to Tohma and I know you don't want to be there, under that name. Have you discuss this with the others yet?"

"Not really, I don't know when I'm going to make up my mind. When are you going to finalize the divorce?"

"I'm given it a few months, I still have to get situated and stuff. You should do the same and not worry about Bad Luck for awhile. If you need help, just give me a call and I see what I can do."

I knew she was trying to be friendly, since we both going through the same thing, but she will always be hostile towards me for going out with her brother to begin with. "Thank you, I really appreciate your help. Same goes for you, I have connections and I can get you anything."

She smiled and raised her glass. "Let's toast to a new chapter in our lives and hopefully find someone in the near future who won't give us any problems."

Grinning, I followed the same suit and tapped our glasses against each other. "Cheers Mika-san."

"Cheers Shuichi..."

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

A/N:

Continue...

* * *

**Chapter Four:**

**How To Save A Life**

* * *

**_Yuki_**

* * *

_Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
And you begin to wonder why you came_

It's strange that I'm sitting here, within my living room, upon the floor with a bottle of Vodka sulking about my sudden lost. Hell, I even thought this was a perfect moment to pop in a CD I got from America, The Fray 'How To Save A Life'. Everything just felt unsettling without him here. It's been two weeks since he left and our relationship ended. I've tried everything, calling, begging, but he refuse to forgive me. Each time, he asked me for my excuse, my reasons for betraying him. With each time, I couldn't find the right words to say. It's like my heart refuse to hurt him or me anymore with this lie. I knew somewhere, along the lines of like and love, I always love Shuichi. He changed me, made me the man I am today. He's like the shining light through my dark tunnel. He's the missing piece of my withering soul that kept me from killing myself. I will always love Shuichi and he knows that. Yet, with that love, comes another confusion that I'm not ready to deal with. The incident I've done with Seguchi and how my heart returned to that need. I knew it was a mistake, the first night we performed that sinful act. But I didn't stop and control my urges. Maybe the reason it lead to all of this was because...

"Eiri...I know we've been friends since the day we finally were potty trained, but seriously are you going to talk to me?" The sweet, irritated voice of my shadow spoke. Behind me, she stretched out on the couch, her glass of orange juice balancing on her protruding belly. I knew she was reading my newest novel, she always came to get her own additional copy.

I felt my body shudder with the sudden thought of talking about it with her. Sure, we've been friends since childhood. We told each other everything and stuff. She never judged me, she always stood by my side. Still, I wonder why I didn't marry her when I had the chance. Besides Ayaka, she would have made a perfect bride if arranged, but she lived in America by time the arrangement was made. Taking a deep breath, I brought my other friend towards my lips, the strong smell of cheap Vodka killed my nostrils. With one gulp, the liquid burned my throat and finally reached my stomach in an upsetting drop. Still, this was the only way to numb the pain and misery I was feeling. Something I wasn't use to feeling again since I was sixteen years old. Reaching for the bottle, I'd poured myself another glass, while going through a list of possible conversation starters before stating the real issue. I didn't feel comfortable yet with just getting to the point and the alcohol finally started to buzz after the ninth glass.

Pressing my body against the frame of the couch, I threw my head back, resting it against her legs. With closed eyes and a fogged conscious, this would be the first time I talked to anyone else, besides Shuichi in two weeks. "How's everything at home with your family?"

She shift slightly in her position as I heard her close the book. Even with my eyes shut, I knew the look she was given me, annoyance, but she didn't show it in her tone. "We're doing fine, Dietrich told me to tell you to visit soon and little Daemon want to see uncle Eiri too. My mom finally divorced my father and now she lives in America with her new fiancee and his two kids. My siblings are doing fine. Kassandra told me to tell you to ask Mika to call her and Amelia said she was going to kill that player of a brother of yours. Out of that, everyone is alive and well."

I just nodded, my hair bushed against the smoothness of her bare legs. A small moan escaped from my lips, glad to hear everyone is alright. "That's nice, I'm glad that all are alright and happy. Tell your husband and Daemon I'll visit soon. I haven't been to England in awhile. I heard the winters are very nice...I'll come sometimes in December." I knew I was babbling, my words dropping into a mumble.

"Eiri..." She was getting testy now.

"What?" I answered as innocently as possible.

Her fingers brushed against my forehead, knocking away the lose strands of blonde that concealed the hurt like a curtain. Against my skin, they felt feathery and soft, just like his touches. Only her's were more in a sibling way than a lover. She brought her fingers down more, tracing the lines that made up my eyes. Sometimes I wondered why she always does this, it's like she knows something that I don't. "Eiri...you're dying aren't you?" She whispered softly when she withdrawed her hand back.

I didn't say anything, my words froze within my throat. What is she talking about? I'm not dying, the doctor's said my ulcer was alright and as long as I don't stress, I'll be fine. "I'm not dying, Blu. I'm alright..." I tried to sound convincing, but I knew in the back of my mind, something with her words didn't settle right.

"I don't mean physcially dying, I meant emotionally and mentally. Remember, I know more about you than you know about yourself. Hell, even Seguchi can't top my knowledge of the infamous Eiri Yuki. Now, please talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

The moment of truth. My heart couldn't beat any faster now that the anxiety had died. Slowly my intakes of air became ragged, why was it suddenly hard for me to breath. Calm down Eiri, she'll understand. "It started two years ago..."

* * *

_(Two Years Ago)_

_"So, you really did come, I'm shocked. I thought Shindou-san would be following you like a lost puppy or something."_

_It was the first time in years that I've been anywhere outside the country without Shuichi, but since I had a book signing and stuff, I took the opportunity. However, they had a few minor setback upon this arrival to New York. "I would prefer Shuichi than you tagging along anyday, Seguchi." _

_That evil minion that spawned from hell stood in front of me, his ceaulean eyes twinkling with mischief as he threw me one of his twisted smiles. Yes, Tohma Seguchi might as well be the devil himself, with all the mind games he plays on innocent people. "That's not nice, I thought you love me, Eiri-san?" _

_"Drop dead, Seguchi! Exactly why the hell are you here?" I didn't want to lolly-gag around any longer. I'm tired, the flight was horrible and all I wanted to do was go to my hotel room, call Shuichi and work on my other novel. _

_Seguchi just shrugged his shoulders, his eyes turned away from me for a second as he looked around the crowd streets of Time Square. This was the place of our meeting, in New York City. Sure, I'm one who like to go out for some fun, hit the latest nightclubs and bring some chick home to fulfill my sexual needs, but that was all in the past. I'm someone new, different, committed. Then the reason Seguchi brought my out here just made my temper rise. It's not like I don't like him, he's been there for me. However, the things he did in the past still left a wound that refuse to heal. So we're not on 'best buds' levels, but we're still somewhat close. _

_"Eiri...did you hear what I just said?" His persuasive voice returned and my thoughts disappeared. Reality started to become real once I saw his eyes back on me. _

_"Apparently not if I didn't answer you. Tell me what the hell you seriously want so I could go back to the hotel." _

_That twinkle returned as he grabbed my hand and without a word lead me down the opposite way we came. Whatever he had in mind, I had a bad feeling. _

* * *

"That's when he brought you to his cabin, the place you hate more than anything, am I correct?" Blu asked me, trying to understand while analysing everything I've told her.

By now our positions had change. She was sitting up and I was on the couch, my head placed on her lap. Nodding, I gave her a sad look while continuing. "Yeah and if it wasn't for my tendency for alcohol and sweets, none of this would have happened. It's like, when we did what we did, it just felt so right. Isn't that wrong, to get excited by the man who married your sister and almost tried to destroy your lover?"

This time, her look changed from compassion and anger. I hoped it wasn't her mood swings, but I doubt she's one to let pregnancy win so easily with the sideaffects. "You know something, Eiri...you are a dumbass. How the hell could you sleep with Seguchi! I can't believe you, out of any fine and sexy guy in the world, it had to be him. Hell, you could have slept with Dietrich and I wouldn't even care as long as I get a tape or something in return." She snapped.

Ignoring that part with the live viewing of my sexual encounter with her husband, this was serious times. "I don't know what came over me, it's like the first time brought out this longing of need out. Since then, I couldn't control this urge and I hid it from Shuichi."

"How could you do this to poor Shindou-san? Why did you lie or at least tried to control your fucking horniness?"

I could see her anger boiling because her cheeks turned red to match her apple brown eyes. I didn't know who her anger was for, me or Seguchi. "How could I tell him that I've been sleeping with the enemy for two years?"

"TWO YEARS!" She screeched this time, right in my ear.

"Yes two years and I feel bad for doing it for that long. That night was suppose to be the only night, the mistake of our lives and we said we were going to stop."

She took a deep breath, trying to calm down before she do something that she'll regret. Her red face returned back to that olive color as she flashed her dangerous eyes down at me. "You know something, Shindou-san was right to leave your sorry ass."

"Blu..."

"No, I'm serious. You gone too far and now you have to suffer because of it. This is something you have to do, you need to figure out a way to get him to forgive you. If it was me, I wouldn't forgive your sorry ass, but I know Shindou-san and he's that kind of character."

"He won't forgive me."

"Well, then you are in shit creek."

"I really didn't mean to do any of that to him, you know I love him."

"If you love me so much, why the hell did you lie to me for two years, Eiri?" Another voice intervene with the conversation and both of us turned to the door. Standing there, with a pissed off look on his face and sad eyes was Shuichi. I didn't even hear the door unlock or open. I wonder how much of it he heard?

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:**

**Let's Continue**

* * *

**Chapter Five:**

**Rays without Sunshine**

* * *

**_Yuki_**

* * *

I don't remember ever feeling as if life wasn't worth living, even if Kitazawa died by my hands. Since the day Shuichi arrived to my place, his once peaceful face contorted with anger, my heart's been aching. It's really pathetic, if you think about it. It's like a moment of nostalgia. When times between us have been rocky, but never resentful. Shuichi made it clear that he never wanted to see me again. That he hated my every being with his heart and hope that maybe, just maybe somehow during a tragic moment I would die. Of course, he didn't actually say it with harsh words, but his eyes explained it all. So what am I doing technically, obeying his request for a bittersweet death. Once again, in the moment of despire and agony, I'm drowning my sorrows and suicidal attempts with alcohol. I could feel the buzz, even if this was my sixteenth shot glass of something...brown? As I lay upon my couch, eyes of liquid umber staring emotionlessly and lifelessly up at the ceiling, I could see everything from two days ago replay within my mind. From the moment Blu and I talked about my screw up to the heated arguement engaged between Shuichi and I. Often, when one wish to die, it's like a great moment for flashbacks to return and foreshadow everything you've done wrong in your life. Apparently, under the alcohol induced haze, my flashback only went to two days ago...

* * *

_"Why don't you just leave me alone, Yuki? I didn't come here to talk to you, only to get my shit and leave." Shuichi stormed pass me and into our once bedroom that held too many memories for me to sleep in. _

_Forgetting that I wasn't alone, Blu just gave me a sorrowful look before removing herself off the couch. Somewhere in my mind, I was thankful for her leaving, but also in need of her support during this moment. With one last gentle smile, she placed a kiss on my forehead. "Don't give up yet, alright... Just go talk to him, tell him the truth, and stop hiding behind false walls of happiness." _

_Why must her words hit home and break yet another piece of my already broken heart? Without word, all I gave her was a nod as she smiled one more sad smile and left. As I watch the door close and click, everything I tried to hold, break against the barrier. My heart melted, ached, hurt as my eyes misted with forlong tears I've haven't felt in weeks. With a shaky, watery breath and steady footsteps towards the old bedroom, I knew this was the moment of truth. That once I walked into that room, shut the door tight behind me, it would just be us. I could feel my nerves jump about, my heart refuse to settle down as each agonizing footsteps hit the hard floor in the hall. My body reached the last door on the left, nerves finally congealed over and my movement remained motionless. Why couldn't I get through this? All I wanted to do for weeks was see Shuichi's face, talk to him, hug him, hell even beg him for forgiveness. All I want is to see those beautiful violet eyes shine once more, not lackluster. With that, I conjured up my strength (buzzing) and knocked twice on the door. _

_All sudden movement within the room paused for a moment and shift towards the door. When it swing open, I expected to see tearstreak down his face, only to get eyes of resentment. They dug a hole into my head and burned the remaining confidence I had left. Everything I tried to hold dear faltered, why must you look at me that way Shuichi? Do you hate me that much? Did I hurt you more than I let myself believe? Will you ever forgive me? My mind ended up on questions mode, thinking of the possible answers to too many questions that will always remain a mystery. Shuichi didn't say anything to me, and turned his back as he left the doorway to return packing. Stepping into the room, I knew it was a mistake because once the door shut behind me, something large and breakable flew at my head and crashed against the door. Shocked (and mostly scared), I looked at him, his eyes harden more and his breath ragged. _

_"I hate you!" He hissed. _

_My eyes soften, he didn't mean that. Did he? "Shuichi, we need to talk, please just hear me out."_

_However, he refuse to listen to my words and grabbed another item to hit me with. With luck, it wasn't something breakable, but it did collide with my face. "What is there to talk about Yuki? I don't want to hear about your rendezvous with Seguchi. I'd heard enough when you were talking with Blu."_

_So he had been there longer than we expected. "Listen to me Shuichi, it was a mistake. I-I didn't meant for it to last this long and-"_

_"Bullshit! Two years and you suddenly didn't mean to? Who do you take me for, some idiotic person who don't know anything? I'm not stupid, I always knew. You never loved me, hell I even doubt you love Tohma. You still don't get it do you?" hatred lingered, his eyes told me the story of his hardship as I gazed into them. _

_"Shuichi...you know I love you. I didn't mean to cheat on you. Please, just give me another chance and I swear-"_

_He cut me off again, his head shaking furiously at my request. "Another chance? I gave you so many chances to tell me where you been sneaking off to at night, but you just continue to lie. I can't take it anymore...why can't you understand that. I don't love you, not anymore. I'm sorry, but this is the end. I'm not coming back to you, I'm moving on. You hurt me," He paused mid-sentence cause his voice cracked. Watching him inhale, his chest heaving in and out, he continued with tears glistening in his eyes. "I don't know if I can ever love someone who hurt me so much as you had done. What did I do to deserve this? Didn't I give you everything you wanted, my love, my heart, my soul?"_

_"Yes..." Why had my voice shrinked away? _

_His tears have finally reached their limits as they flowed down his cheeks. I knew he didn't want to cry in front of me, he struggled to stop them, but with no provail, they continued to fall. "Then why did you hurt me so much? How could you lie and say you love me, when you were in the arms of another man?" _

_I felt my eyes break away from his. The look he was giving me was crushing me more. I had always hated it when he cried, it's like everything just died and will never return. "I don't know why it happened, but it did. Shuichi, I will always love you, more than anything. That was a mistake and now I'm suffering from it. Please, don't do this to me...you know I need you." By now my eyes too were producing tears that broke against the dam of restrints._

_However, when my eyes turned back to him, he shook his head. "No..." he breathed out watery. It was like he was fighting his own emotional war as he brushed away his tears with the back of his hand. "No, Eiri..." _

_"Shuichi please...don't do this to us, to yourself."_

_He kept shaking his head as he broke our contact and grabbed his bags. "I'm doing what's right, I'm leaving. You never loved me, you don't even love Tohma. I doubt Kitazawa ever left your mind cause you still look through me." He gave me one last look. "If you love me so much as you proclaim you do, you would have never cheated on me and lied about it. Now because of your mishaps, you'll be alone again, just like you always wanted. And I hope that one day, when you look back on this, you'll see that you're missing something important. It's over between us Yuki, forever. I'm never coming back and I don't even want a friendship. Just leave me alone."_

_Before I could say anything, speak my final words, he left. _

_And right behind him so did my will to even continue on without him... _

* * *

"Damn you Shuichi..." My drunken self whispered out, the subconscious part that's used during these moments.

I don't remember how long I've been reminiscing, but by time my gaze shift to the window, it was dark outside. The lights within the city just turned on and I felt the darkness around me draw closer. Maybe, my mind wondered with another drink, if I took the opportunity to end what was already started then maybe...

I didn't let the thought linger any longer before I was up off the couch and staggering to god knows where. All I knew from this position I was heading towards my bedroom. My balance completely gone, my vision clouded. Everywhere around me, the darkness just drew near, making it hard for me to find my way. I could hear stupid giggles escape from my blaspheomous lips and tears leak from my eyes. With that, my body decided that it's time to shut down and my knees buckled right under me. It felt like a slow motion movie, down my body went until it hit the hard floor. Everything around me started to spin out of control and I could swear I heard voices. And all in my mind, I kept telling myself 'I've done it Shuichi...I've gone and tried to kill myself just to get you back'. As those thoughts kept repeating and my world turned into black, I heard another voice that didn't belong to either me or the others. This one was soft, sorrowful, and pleading. Along with the voice, a gentle touch graced my head and it kept telling me 'don't go'. Why should I listen to you? I wanted to say, but it was too late. I could feel my heart stop, my breathing end, and all those sweet memories of Shuichi vansion. Maybe this is why many people wish for death because its rays without sunshine...it's an oxymoron.

**TBC**


End file.
